A Day in the Life of a Modern-Day Hippie

fare the well

2009-06-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you I'm here for good.

But I'm here to say I'll mixed up inside

all the things I shouldn't be and I need time to myself to figure it all out & be the person you knew--perhaps a better version.

I'm sorry. We'll see each other soon, I hope.

try

2009-05-16T00:05:00.000-07:00

We never appreciate our friends until something happens.

Understandable Kind of Stupidity

2009-04-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever realized how many tragedies, sufferings and mistakes in our lives are borne of misunderstandings?

A misguided stare, a word with different connotations, actions that constitute different things...

These are the daily, small lost-in-translation moments we have. Because of the difference in personalities, the impossibility to be completely alike another person, there will always be a change or fault in what we understand to be affectionate, normal, compassionate, cruel, so on and so forth.

It's understandable ignorance. We can't expect to fully understand everyone and everything.

But at the same time, it's still stupid and useless and why do we do it? What's so terrible about being open, clearing up questions, refusing to conform to confusion? Yes, it requires openness. Yes, that leaves you vulnerable... But so much suffering could be prevented if we just used the brains and mouths we were given to ask. To make certain. If you get hurt, I'm sorry. But... Is it any better to hurt others over a silly misunderstanding? An assumption?

It's wrong. It isn't right, it's not fair, it's painful.

Let's try our best to be open, honest people. To say what we mean, when we mean it and when we want to. Let's not play any more stupid games, or worry so much. Feelings are beautiful and we shouldn't have to hide them. We shouldn't waste them. We shouldn't waste time.

We have one chance. Let's go for it.

another month

2009-04-09T22:32:00.001-07:00

Oh dear, I really am digressing in this aren't I?

What's been up? I don't know. There's a lot I want to talk about and nothing I really want to say.

The past few months have been up and down for me. I've had to come face-to-face with some situations which made me realize I need to solidify my beliefs and trust in people. It was good and bad: a good shaking down, however painful, always serves to make someone stronger in the end.

I don't know darlings, what to say, really. I've spent the past few months thinking about me and not about others, and I really dislike that so I've had nothing to talk about. I fell into relationships with people I probably shouldn't have and who are no good for me and will bring me down.

Why is it we have to make life and situations far more complicated than they really are? Why are we so terrified to be open and honest and trusting? Yes, there's a risk of being hurt, but you hurt others with extreme secretiveness. How can anyone be happy if no one will love him or her for them, their true, open and honest selves, as opposed to a secret, false mask?

Why can't people just be open? I hate beating around the bush. I hate back and forthing. We have a mouth for a reason. We have words and minds and hearts for a reason. We're meant to communicate directly and with our hearts and to not do so is a waste of everything.

I'm sorry I'm just tired and frustrated and everything else today I suppose.

It's selfish to be independent to the point you don't bother with others and it's selfish to be so secretive and aloof and it's selfish to assume you can do it on your own. You can't depend solely on others and you can't be ridiculously forward but... I'm sorry. I can't seem to gather my thoughts.

I'm still learning about myself. I'm sensitive to a fault; I'm conceited and pretentious; I'm moody. Or is it because of the poor influences as of late? I've regressed in character too. I need to move forward.

In other news, I went to New York for the first time. I will be posting about that shortly.

I hope to get myself back together soon, love.

Until then, sweet dreams.

Style Tips

2009-03-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

♥ Dance the way you feel. Sometimes that means just flailing or moving your head. Do it.

♥ Tell someone the way you feel about him/her. Seriously.

♥ Discover a new type of music.

♥ Fall into something. Your bed, your feelings, someone's arms, words from his books.

♥ Discover Haruki Murakami.

♥ Be stubborn. The more you think something, the more you'll believe it. Think, "I am beautiful. I am born of beautiful blood, and my thoughts are beautiful," and you will believe it. How can you not? It's the truth, after all.

♥ Delete, erase, let go of something you don't need. That boy who took you out of his life--stop lingering on him. That sadness you felt when you didn't get that job--throw those aside.

♥ Fall in love with something, not someone, for once. Words, potential, hair... Something.

♥ Talk to someone who doesn't seem like you'd get along with.

♥ Realize the people you dislike could just be people who haven't proved themselves to you yet.

KEEP THIS FOREVER

2009-03-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

Beloved:

You know that feeling, like your heart is about to burst? Like it’s filled with everything around you and you’re confused and you want to be happy but there’s still something bad but you’re willing to take it, too? Don’t forget that feeling. It doesn’t feel pleasant now, but someday, when the world has made your heart a little bit colder, you’ll remember that you know how to feel. At some point, sooner or later, you'll feel dead, so you have to remember that yes, you can feel. Because right now your heart is bursting and full with emotions, and that’s something so precious.

love,
Nana

skin

2009-02-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

from the surface--
my life does not appear
to be much, does it?
Aside from some somewhat
interesting aspects, I
suppose it seems almost...
Mediocre.

But under the ground
lies a completely amazing
and interesting world
(yes, below our feet)
and the surface of
the sea (the blue,
blue watery, plain sea)
exists a world we
cannot imagine...

What am I trying to say,
I wonder? Perhaps that
below the skin and
appearance of our lives,
their lives, your lives,
there's something beautiful
and unique and amazing.

We all entire worlds inside of us
so let's give everyone
a chance because who knows
how or what or who will
change that world.

♥ Nana

smile for me.

2009-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."
— Dalai Lama XIV

Remember to be happy, always.

x♥x♥ Nana

manifesto addendum

2009-02-21T00:53:00.001-08:00

I will not complain, because it's childish and passive.
I will accept and change because I can do better.

I will not ignore people, because it's hurtful and ignorant.
I will try to understand what upsets me and see if I can better understand and like it.

I will not hate, because it's weak and selfish to hate.
I will love because deep, meaningful love is rare.

I will not hide from my emotions for that is the weakest thing to do.
I will embrace and live through every feeling I have, for I will learn from it.

I will not be too selfish, because it is immature.
I will give time and love willingly to everyone.

I will not be too selfless, because it is painful.
I will draw back as I see fit to preserve my own well-being.

I will not be sad or upset for too long (because I will undoubtedly become saddened or upset), because it's easy to be sad and mope.
I will grasp my chances at happiness because happiness is rare and comes from within.

And when I break one of these, I will forgive myself because I am still only human and liable to mistakes. I will allow myself to forgive myself and get up and move forward.

I'm so irresponsible

2009-02-09T12:08:00.002-08:00

I'm sorry. I'm not dead, and I'm not hurt.

I'm confused right now. I can't focus.

I'll be back soon, I think.

"Yes Man" Review

2009-01-11T02:09:00.000-08:00

Lately, there had been some influx of movies I wanted to see. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Seven Pounds, Valkyrie, The Tale of Despereaux...

I am rather fond of historical or serious movies, so I guess it seems a little out of place for me to want to see "Yes Man." I suppose you could say I'm something of a movie elitist--I love it when I know the plotlines of obscure movies, and I frown deeply upon most comedies.

I think my desire to see the movie was that the idea that a person, forced to say yes in every situation, was really interesting. Not to mention that I am having a current fascination with Jim Carrey and Zoey Deschanel is one of my favorite actresses. That was the cincher. I had to see this.

Thing is, I don't watch movies often...Or ever, actually. So on January 1, when my brother and I were fully in the onset of evening boredom, we went out to see Valkyrie, old ticket coupons in hand.

But Valkyrie wasn't "old enough" for us to use the coupons so we opted for Yes Man.

I don't want to spoil it, but I loved the message. I thought it was really fitting for me to watch it on January 1, the start of a new year.

The plot is fairly simple: A man accustomed to rejecting everything is forced to start saying yes to everything and he finds that he's enjoying life more.

He learns that if you keep saying no, you will never live.

But at the same time, you have to be responsible for what you say yes to.

I thought the acting was fantastic. Jim Carrey has a way of being one of those somewhat awkward and strange but not over the top characters, and I think, at least from what I remember as a kid, his acting style has improved. Zoey always plays something of a hipsterchick, and for good reason! She's GOOD at it. I adored her character. Thought she was adorable.

I know the movie has a mediocre rating, but I think the movie touched something in me. I'm still in between growing and holding on, and that theme is something I want to absorb and become. Responsible is something I need to be.

I wish people would go in and look at the movie for what it is: a lesson. Instead of going in and coming out thinking, "Well, it was kind of funny," I wish they would come out thinking, "Wow, that was an interesting way of living life. Maybe I should do that too."

Am I just letting my life imitate art, or something, though? Life imitating art, art imitating life? I don't think so. This is why I like serious movies: I feel like I have a reason to think about them and let it affect me. Though, in some ways, it isn't bad. We let books affect us, right?

Regardless, I think it is okay this time. It is a good movie. It has a cute plot, wonderful characters, and a good message. It is my 2009 theme movie.

Say yes, mmk?

in between

2009-01-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

all the stress and work and essays

I haven't had much time to write.

I'm sorry ):

coming up soon:
Decision: Vegetarian
Haircuts
"Yes Man" Review

Think you can wait a little longer?

2009 MANIFESTO

2008-12-31T18:26:00.000-08:00

2009 is going to be wonderful, I have decided.

BEATING HITSUZEN (psychoanalysis)

2008-12-16T23:30:00.000-08:00

from the bubble project.

Hitsuzen: often roughly translated as "fate," it is kind of reverse-fate. It means that things have to happen for a future incident to occur. Essentially, action 1 happens because action 2 in the future must happen, and to achieve this, action 1 occurs.

I've...I don't know. I am not one to believe in superstitions, but...

A few months ago, a girl "read" my palm. Overall, it was fairly depressing, with something like, "You will lead a long and...unhealthy life. ...You will also not have a lot of great romances in it."

Well, awesome thing for a teenage girl to hear, right? [/sarcasm]

But lately, I have caught myself thinking that a serious relationship, marriage, anything--does not really seem that great.

I began to wonder things--If a person is always changing, doesn't the person's love change? Will two people change in the same way? And if not...does their love change as well, or does it simply grow weaker? What if it were to change completely?

And I've slowly started to..."realize" that people never are able to understand another person (As I Lay Dying readers, HOLLA!). I still believe in the power of words, yes, but...I admit sometimes words (or at least our English language) does not describe well enough feelings. It is not detailed. Besides, do we ever really know or understand someone? To truly know OR understand them, you'd first have to know how that person thinks, including the seemingly random differentiations in personality. To know how a person thinks, you have to know what has affected this person into thinking this way. To do that, you have to understand every single moment in a person's life...And we have our own lives to lead. We can't possibly do that.

In the same vein, two people, even if married, will not lead the same life together anyhow. Do they truly know one another?

Maybe that is a thrill. You learn something about your beloved every day ? I do not know.

BUT, you know what? It's not even that anymore. I think that is me rationalizing myself.

I realized, too, that I can't pick a job because I can't see a job in which I can travel and just live places. I can't see myself settling down (in fact, I fear it). I can't see myself in a place for a long time.

So really, it boils down to the fact that I am just terrified of commitment.

With my "track record of failed romances," I believe it is understandable. [1] Not to mention my seeming incapability of keeping friendships, too.

And there I thought, believed?, that the lines in my hand were of HITSUZEN. Because these thoughts & incidents are happening so that I will end up having no great romance.

But inside, I am a silly little romantic, and I want to fight my hitsuzen.

So I will. I will let myself commit to my feelings and another person, to trust in him or her for friendship or affection,

I have decided I will fall recklessly in love, and listen to my heart says, hopefully unadulterated by things I've heard. I want to live freely and purely.

I will.

[1]
My first intense crush was in 8th grade. He was not kind nor unkind, but his friends still hate me to this day. Unsure why, actually.
Second was a boy I really liked, who then ended up liking my closest friend at that time.
The third was someone I met through someone else. We went on a kind of date, I suppose, and we kept in contact. Then, he decided he "needed to change" and cut me out of his life.
In between there was a guy at kung fu who I KNEW was looking at me and did strange things like get very uncomfortably close to my face. That ended with...humiliation of some kind. And an ended friendship with someone else.
Then there was a gay boy.

Honestly.

[something]

2008-12-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

See you, cowboy.

hello darling, this is a love letter

2008-12-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

From wakingdreamer's deviantArt.

If I could, I would mail a warm smile to you. I'd mail a loving embrace, a chaste kiss, something to keep you warm at night, a long snuggle. I'd package a sexy smirk, a seductive sway-o-the-hips, a teasing whisper for you. I'd buy postage for a searing dream, a teasing laugh, a fond memory, good times. I'd send a thousand comforting nudges, sultry or longing looks, a bottle of hope (feel free to use anytime). I'd give you a warm breath on your ears, a soft, secret whisper, a bout of boisterous laughter, romantic feelings, a comfortable silence over morning juice. I'd hope you'd accept a box of intense gazes, a silly dance, an embarrassed blush, the feelings of being all warm and bundled up on a cold day.

I love you, sweethearts!

dream visitations

2008-12-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

Hello loves! I've had lots of weird dreams lately. I wanted to write them here, so I could remember them !

Today, I took a nap and had a dream it was raining as I left school.

Then, I saw my (ex?) best friend walking. In a panic, I wanted to hide--I think he's mad at me. Instead, he smiled widely and dragged me along. We went to the library, and on the way, I put up an umbrella. which is strange since I never put up umbrellas. He just puts the hood on his ridiculously poofy orange jacket.

I don't ask if he's been mad at me or not. It's too delicate a question.

But without a word he went and sat next to a bunch of guys, like he always did. They watch sports on the new tvs. Feeling awkward, I sit at a nearby table, eyeing his jacket. My mom would be there soon, and stealing his jacket would mean he'd HAVE to see me again, right?

[/end dream one]

To see an umbrella in your dream, suggests that you are putting up a shield against your emotions and trying to avoid dealing with them. It is also symbolic of emotional security. If the umbrella is leaking, then it indicates that you are unprepared with facing your problems.

To dream that you cannot open you umbrella and it is raining, then it suggests that you are open to confronting your own feelings and letting your emotions come to the surface.

To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain may be a metaphor for tears , crying and sadness.

Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, lively, sociability, and an out-going nature. You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests

To see or wear a jacket in your dream, represents the image that you want to present and project to the outside world. Alternatively, it symbolizes your protective and defensive persona. You tend to distant your feelings and as a result, you may be isolating yourself. Consider also the color, appearance, and type of jacket for additional significance

There's an urgent sense around me, and I have memories I don't remember taking place. Memories like my mother putting an ad out, or something, about an arranged marriage.

Suddenly my mother calls me, but I'm in the middle of a computer game. A moment later, an angry voice roars--"I came here for a wife, not a geek!"

With that, I rush down and am introduced to my arranged husband.

Turns out, he's the beast from Beauty and the Beast.

And so, I slowly fall in love with him and he is hurt one day, and destroys my computer. I tell him I guess I don't need it.

But for some reason, I am coerced into a dating show (!?) in which each person is paired up with someone else. I am paired up with someone who I cuddle with on the boat, but...He loves me and I don't love him. I love my beast, right?

this game contest partner and I sit in the back, and though I know it's wrong, I lay down and snuggle. We talk about things and play with the sunshine.

The show is over or something, and we're in a casino. It's beautiful, where I am to meet the Beast (who is really just a handsome, rugged statue of a man), and he seems distant and angry. It's a second floor landing, all metal and curves, and from the windows the walls are made of we can see colors. Below us are the cries of slot machines. He tells me he's angry but he just looks heartbroken and stalks off. I am heart broken too and run after him. He dodges into the confusion of the casino, till I grab his hand and tell him he is the only one I've ever loved.

[/end dream 2]

To dream that you are on a game show, suggests that you need to change some aspect of your life around. You may be experiencing feelings of uncertainty and what the future may hold.

To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transitional period. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself.Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies your ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself.

To dream that you are in a casino, signifies the risk-taker within you. If you are a reserved or passive person, then the dream suggests that you should take a chance. If you are not, then it implies that you need to make a more informed decision instead of relying on fate.

To see a beast in your dream, signifies foolishness and ignorance.

To dream that you are playing computer games, represent a situation in your waking life where you either win or lose. If you dream the game is over, then it indicates that something has come to an end. Consider the type of game and how it parallels your life.

To see windows in your dream, signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight.

To dream that you are looking out the window, signifies your outlook on life, your consciousness, point of view, awareness, and intuition. You may be reflecting on a decision and seeking guidance. Or you need to go out into the larger world and experience life. If you are looking in the window, then it indicates that you are doing some soul searching and looking within yourself.

long post!
the only troubles is, I can't see my subconscious being someone whose very ...believing of symbolism. Or clever enough to use it to me! Instead of seeing rain as cleansing, my subconscious would be all "hurr it's raining you're gon' get wet hurr."

Oh well.

a lot about love lately.

2008-12-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

let this be our mantra.

because we deserve nothing less than the most beautiful words..

post script X

2008-12-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

out of service till december.

sorry sweeties. D:

I'm letting go, I'm letting go slowly...

2008-12-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

(unknown source)

I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love deeply until I can let go of all my past feelings.

And the things I write do reflect how I am--that story about the boy who loves a girl he made better in my mind? I realized that's something I do: Make every boy and feeling so much more magnificent and significant. And I shouldn't.

How do you let go of someone who you've made grander in your mind, and can't find the line between imagination and reality in the memory of that person?

(they say letting go takes love, so I guess I never really loved them anyways)

I am going to learn to let go of the things I don't need.
I am going to start something new and fresh.

(add-ons)

2008-11-30T22:48:00.000-08:00

There's a lot more I want to do in life.

113. Go to Sundance at least once in life.
114. Go to grad school
115. Buy a sparkly bra. Sparkly tatas ftw!
116. Participate in NaNoWriMo.
117. Learn Italian.
118. Find me an Italian boy to love♥

happiness

2008-11-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

I have decided I am going to be happy.

No matter where my future leads me--small school, big school--I know I'll be fine.

My father didn't study at big schools he got accepted into, either because of ethics or lack of funds, and he's lead a most interesting life.

It's okay if I don't know what I really want, because I'll know sooner or later.

It's okay if I don't get into Chicago now; I will definitely go someday, be it for grad school or something else.

It's okay if I go to a small school now, since it's just undergrad and I never know who I'll meet.

Everything will be alright, and I'll grow from everything. My experiences will do me good, no matter where I am.

I am going to be happy.

late as per usual

2008-11-28T10:14:00.000-08:00

from speartime's deviantArt.

Good morning, sunshine♥

I wanted to say that I am so grateful for you, that you are a part of my life and that you make my life more beautiful.

I love you!

the question of individuality versus society

2008-11-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

(I'm sorry if this sounds disjointed; I burst into tears while thinking about it)

I know I usually talk about this stuff anyways, but... This is different.

Last week, I listened to one of the most angering, self-serving...ASSHOLES I've ever met.

But it wasn't just that he was a typical "I-am-better-than-you" kind of talk, or the know-it-all. It wasn't even a quiet condescension. It made me lose faith in the human race a little more and when I got home I cried. It was truly angering.

We had somehow started onto the topic of cancer and he said something like, "You know, they shouldn't even find a cure. I mean, if we find the cure, than thousands of jobs will be gone and then thousands of people unemployed and then our economy will go down!"

How could someone even say that? We didn't start looking for a cure for cancer so people could get jobs. Is it worth it that thousands of people die every day, just so people can keep earning money?

Is it okay for people--entire families--to suffer because of cancer? For people to die, slowly?

Did he really think people searching for a cure didn't want to find the cure? It gave me a view of what he saw his future as: get a job just to earn some money; don't get a job cause you love it or it's meaningful.

I am so disappointed and just thinking about it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. This is the future of our generation: self-serving, greedy people aiming only for prestige and wealth and not the good of people--the original cause of doctors. I am so disappointed; granted, there of course are people who do care, but all those around me... How can people do this? Think only of themselves? It hurts me so much. It disappoints me so much.

I don't think it's okay that people who are privileged will abuse their knowledge this way. I know someone who is not as smart, nor does he have supportive parents, who fails school but saves animals in his spare time. That was offtopic, but...

It's just...not right. How could someone could even say something like that? Cancer or economy? Sure, the economy is important but... Human lives are at stake here. Human suffering.

I can't believe people would think that coldly. Logic doesn't make everything better.

If I were a vindictive or cruel person, I might hope he gets cancer someday. I might then go to him and say, "Bet you wish they'd found a cure, huh?" I'd smile viciously.

But I'm not and I don't believe in karma and if he did get cancer I'd still feel bad for him.

I just...Sigh..

our list

2008-11-20T01:13:00.000-08:00

To Do List:
- become extremely attractive
- smile all the time
- take on the world
- find a significant other to travel with and camwhore
- learn to be charming
(I am proud of us)

it should grow.

fires

2008-11-18T01:20:00.001-08:00

):

I hope everyone is safe and sound. Evacuation can't be easy.

Prayer.

post script IX

2008-11-18T01:14:00.001-08:00

I am lusting after these shoe styles:

naughty monkey military style

With the lace up? Yummy. Not digging the colors; I'd want it in hot pink.

Rytz

Mmm strappy.

Glamour

I LOVE PUNK BOOTS OMG.

-swoon-

i think i have carpal tunnel syndrome

2008-11-18T00:15:00.000-08:00

"I think when you started off life, you already decided that it was gonna be hard for you."

"The bankmanager infront of his bank"

photo by Erwin Wurm, my current favorite artist.

I think I believe him, too.
How have you been darlings?
I've been keeping up with my daily frights, but I haven't posted them.
They kept me from being a good blogger: I'd use them as my excuse that I posted.
I want to talk about meaningful things too, you know.

112.100.7 haiku 7

2008-11-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

(two today)

I think you should know--
I FREAKING LOVE RECYCLING.
I hope you do too.

Today, last haiku...
Don't it seem a little sad?
But I'm so stressed now.

112.100.6 haiku 6

2008-11-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Inspiration came--
as often it does, always,
inconveniently.

112.100.5 haiku 5

2008-11-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

What's on my mind now?
Stress stress stress stress stress stress stres
And then some more stress.

112.100.4. haiku 4

2008-11-09T23:07:00.001-08:00

Madness inspires--
And so, the artist falls in
love with the madman.

paternal

2008-11-08T17:11:00.000-08:00

My father is a brilliant man. His mind is brilliant and astounding.

This is not a biased statement, since I have been in conflict with him for as long as I can remember.

He is not a professor at a huge school, nor is he some kind of millionaire. From a regular POV, his two PhDs already mark him as unusual, but... He really is something else. It's not just that he's smart...He's an actual scholar, someone looking for truth.

My father takes time to look at things at all angles. He spends time to think on anything you say to him. I can't really...put into words how I know. It came to me this year only, late at night on a road empty of lights, buildings and people. He completely drew my mind away from itself, straining it and pushing me to think. You know how when you realize something bigger than yourself, you feel light-headed? (At least, I do). It was like that, but on a far greater scale.

He's taken things from his experiences, and molded and examined them until he's come up with a set of beliefs and knowledge--and those beliefs and morals he has are far more unique. He has discussed with me the kinds of things I should look at...I really cannot put it into words. For example, he's told me that a good person, a good friend, will stir within you feelings of "was I truly right? Was my method correct? Why did I not think of this before?"

He can listen to what you say, and figure out exactly what you really think--he dissects my own words and knows what I want.

But in actuality, that really...doesn't do his mind justice. I wish I knew how to tell you all.

He is a brilliant man. I don't really know why it took me so long to realize it, but he thinks on a far higher level than anyone else I have ever met, than any of the teachers, speakers or professors I've ever listened to.

With this epiphany, though, comes a lot of disappointment. Why had I never known? Why had I let my teenage angst and anger blind me? I have lost so much time to discuss things with him, and I probably won't ever have any more time.

His students are lucky. They get to listen to what he has to say, unobstructed. They get to learn from him. He's passionate about teaching, unlike many professors I've heard of who only work at big schools to research. He hopes to give students an understanding that school is there for us to learn how to learn, not to know something. He pairs this passion with compassion, often times giving all his time and efforts and money to them, and so it's no wonder they're so eternally grateful (I kid you not, some of the students he's taught from ten years ago still drop everything to help us if we call. )

I really respect him, and I hope I can live up to someone he will be proud of.

112.100.3 haiku 3

2008-11-08T13:48:00.001-08:00

Having a hard time
Paying attention to work
--Later, I'll panic.

112.100.2 haiku 2

2008-11-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

rEVOLution is
something beautiful I think
Let's start a riot.

112.100.1 haiku 1

2008-11-06T23:25:00.000-08:00

the clock is ticking
but as i watch it, it stops
strange to feel time end

.

Style Tips

2008-11-06T22:34:00.000-08:00

From FamZ's deviantArt.

Wear obnoxious colors and prints.

Draw a mustache on your face.

Put sunscreen on!

Put oil in your hair so it can be moisturized, too.

Tan patterns onto your legs.

Roar. You are beautiful, after all.

Believe in something. Then stand for it.

Start something.

Have a conversation solely in Haiku

We Are The Jaded Generation

2008-11-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

Via Fluttering's deviantArt.

everything's been so strange lately. I have so much on my mind I can't decide where to begin.

(Two people have told me I take life too seriously and I take my beliefs and morals too seriously, but I really do get offended cause I don't think it's wrong to do so. If we live without a purpose to hold to and to stand by, aren't we just wasting the one life we get?)

Elections are over, and now everyone's just disrespecting everyone. At my school, everyone's dissing McCain (because, you know, us 17-year-olds have any idea what McCain has done for us and our country, being a POW and all). At other schools, people have become racist, but THEY'RE minorities too!

Why can't we just learn to respect? Obama and McCain could respect each other. And yet, my generation is out there throwing insults left and right and other things they don't know. When did we lose this inert respect for our superiors, for older people, for PEOPLE?

We are so jaded now--everything is a right for us. Freedom of speech/religion, voting--we all consider these rights. This is something I've noticed a long time ago--none of us feel like we should be thankful because we've lived with the notion that we HAVE to have the right to be able to do what we want, not that it's a luxury or something we have to earn.

Yeah, this has probably been said every generation, but I'm disappointed in us. We pale in comparison in what we've done for our nation. My fear goes far deeper than...this election. I don't trust us to make decisions based on beliefs and morals--I fear that in four years, when kids my age can vote, they'll vote cause a) they should cause all the teachers in high school told them to, b) peer pressure or c) cause one of the candidates is REALLY REALLY COOL. I am so scared and terrified.

I'm praying and hoping that it's only because high school didn't mature some people, and that in four years, college will have. We will have actual intellects, not just kids who are smart and know how to study. We will have kids who can think for themselves. Kids we can trust for our future elections. Kids who will stand for something, no matter the repercussions.

Man, all kids should have to go through an existential crisis in college. That'd make us mature.

lots of things on my mind

2008-11-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

from RobbyP's deviantArt.

"You can only see as far as you think."

I really don't like to be the responsible and mature one. I hate having to be the one who confronts everything.

I worry too much about others.

I wonder if she...

prop 8

Kindness

love letters and conceit

Waiting

Irony, weak hearts

Maybe I'm too harsh maybe I'm wrong

What do I hold onto?

I don't need to pretend to be liberal politically cause I have enough change inside of me.

I hate teenagers.

We never really truly understand anyone.

I can't figure out how to comment on Eye in the Sky. D:

if I had one week to live

2008-10-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

(i cried a little. a little treat because I have not kept up)

If I had one week to live
I'd make sure to let you know
I still love you and that
I'm sorry. I'd apologize
for all the wrongs I've done
I'd say goodbye in hugs and kisses
no matter who you were.
I'd get over my differences
and resentment and dislike.
I'd as for forgiveness
(from the Father, the Son
the Holy Spirit and you)
I'd make sure to pull
everyone out of their shells
as I dived and flew and
I'd want to make sure
everyone I knew would
take all the chances
I'd never get.

If I had one week to live,
I'd sadly delete my list
of things to do (after all,
why let something unfinished stay?)
I'd finish all the art
and stories and things
I have in my mind.
I'd write a haiku an hour.
I'd make sure to study all
the things I've ever wanted
to and maybe, if I can't
see the real thing, watch
videos of places I've
always wanted to go.
I'd fall asleep on a car ride
one last time. And,
I'd make it rainy so I
could dance and sing
EXUBERANCE.
I'd give my career plant
to someone who'd care for it
I'd learn to skateboard

If I had one week to live,
I'd learn to spread my wings
and work extra hard on my faults.
I'd spend time with my mother
because I know it'd hurt her most.
I'd watch movies with her
and cry for hours and
tell her to be strong
(while secretly crumbling inside)
I'd get fitted for a bra
and buy a lacy red bra
to wear in my coffin.
I'd get my nails done
and figure out if I
could donate my hair or not.
I'd go to church and
I'd say my prayers
I'd try to say good bye
to those who I've left behind
to those who left me behind
to those who have yet to forgive me
to those who I have yet to forget

If I had one week to live,
I'd wear high heels every day
and do my exercises.
I'd eat decadentally and
learn to ball-room dance.
I'd learn how to kiss
and how to charm
and how to love you.
I'd act out one last monologue
and sing onetwothree last songs
and finish all my books.
I'd visit his grave
and I'd tell him to stop
messing his life up.
I'd insist everyone put on
lotion and sunscreen
I'd listen to every song
on my iPod and then all
the sad songs, then the
happy ones, then

If I had one week to live,
I'd clean my room
I'd give away stuff
I'd bake every day for
those I love a lot.
I'd dress up fabulously
everyday and change outfits
for every hour I'm out.
I'd be out a lot.
I would not sleep.
I'd spend nights outside
trying to figure out
the constellations I
was never able to see.
I'd hold hands with
my family and if they cried
I'd kiss them and hold them
(I suppose my mom would
need the most and I love her)

If I had one week to live,
I'd spill my secrets and passwords.
I'd tell you my thoughts and fears
I'd let myself be known
to anyone who wants to know.
I'd be free and fly
I'd never be slave to myself
or society again.
I'd do my best to live
each and every day
and every hour and every
second and moment and breath
of this last week
beautifully.

If I had one week to live
I'd do all that I should
be doing now.
And I will be doing now.

oh darlings

2008-10-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry. I am so terrible of a friend & writer. I cannot even keep up with my own life, how do I expect to help others? Oh darlings, please forgive me.

I promise I have been keeping up with my daily things-that-frighten-me. Please let me back into your hearts. I may still keep up this trend but know that I miss you all.

112.79.68 cooking while mom is home

2008-10-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

My mother usually gets very angry when I cook at home since I make a mess. Usually I avoid doing it, but today I decided to brave the waves of angry-mother and cook anyways.

a little story for you

2008-10-05T12:49:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a girl failed to make the school play auditions.

While a cynical part of her had expected this, the other, more confident part of her was crushed.

After all, what was she to think? No Asian girls on the list; she was supposed to be one of the director's "favorites"...How does someone like her not feel pathetic? Was it because of her race? Had she really done so poorly at auditions?

And not to mention she was thrown into another abyss of self-doubt...

On her way to her next class, she sat as people talked of getting dress sizes, and shortly thereafter, hearing those beside her begin to berate the girl next to her.

'Not in the mood for this. Do they really have to be so mean?'

She stalks outside before slumping down. Wanting to escape her classmates who would inevitably see her, she instead makes headway for the band hall, despite knowing her friend wouldn't be there.

She's right. There's only a girl she knows vaguely and a boy in the hall. Feeling awkward, she mumbles something about "hiding" before crashing behind the door and bursting into heavy tears.

Alarmed, the boy pushes his chair back--"H-hey, are you alright? Is there anything I can do?"

The girl shakes her head, wanting to wallow in misery alone. He looks at her doubtfully before looking back down at his work. The other girl gets up.

Still crying, the pulls her knees up to her face. She stares down at her shoes (she had just washed them, how did they get so dirty?), and likes the way her calves slide down into her shoes.

She feels terribly alone, today, and pathetic. And doubtful and mostly just miserable. 'Can't go one day in October without crying...'

Suddenly, her thoughts are interrupted by the other girl. "Can I sit with you?"

Who would say no? She nods at her and the girl with glasses sits down, book and box of Kudos in hand. "Want one?"

The first girl nods shyly and the other boy comes over. "I want one too~!"

The hall is dimly lit and the floor's a little dirty, but she stretches her legs out and stares at her feet.

Before she knows it, the two are chatting and gossiping beside her, and including her in it. She is still miserable, but she's extremely glad she knows these two people now.

I'm always taken care of. ♥

things that scared me 9/18-10/3

2008-10-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

9/18 - There is a girl with whom I have a strange and nostalgic history and it has been almost a year since whatever happened to us happened. But today was her birthday, and I knew it, so when I saw her, I kissed her forehead and wished her a happy birthday. After school, she saw me and said hello. (and somehow that day everything became okay)

9/19 - I kissed a girl in front of my brother.

9/20 - I watched a horror movie. I'm really lame. I probably do have some kind of psychological terror from childhood in which I can't watch a horror movie without getting really, truly scared from it.

9/21 - I wore a Lolita outfit out & about town (:

9/22 - I wrote my outfit to school, too. I was worried what my teachers would think.

9/23 - I had an honest talk with my darling lola about stuff I had kept inside a long time.

9/24 - My choir teacher had been unfair. The people behind me were talking NONSTOP (Ironic, though, since she shushes everyone else when they make one remark), and the teacher was obviously trying to get them to shut up and had a lecture about how we should be asking questions in class or we won't learn. I'm trying to learn, yeah, cause I'm too poor to take private lessons and yes, I'm irritated that people are inconsiderate of that fact. So when I did have a question and he ignored me, I went up to him after class and said, "Hey, if you tell us to ask questions and then ignore me, that doesn't make me want to learn." To which, he apologized and replied, "I'm really sorry. It's really not you I'm frustrated with, and I'm sorry I'm not a big enough person to answer your questions and not blame your section on those people."

And so yeah. Speaking up saves education. People who don't shut the fck up don't.

9/25 - birthday! We went to a horror haunt thing. Again, psychological stuff. XDD

9/26 - 9/28 - I forget :(

9/29 - I went to talk to my counselor about some stuff I thought was unfair.

9/30 - I auditioned for the school play. I was literally shaking.

10/1 - I went to talk to my favorite teacher of ALL TIME! I really think he's interesting, so I want to be on his best side. So I'm nervous.

10/2 - I hid. I'll write about this later.

10/3 - I wrote to my old office about my fail. She wrote me back and I felt lots better.

10/4 - Texted my old friends in Colorado. It seems hard to try to get a relationship you fear has failed.

i'm sorry

2008-09-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

I have to go on another hiatus.

The internet is far too distracting to me, and I've been so bad to you all I don't know how to make it up to you.

I'll be gone till maybe first week of October. I'm sorry sweeties. Please keep up with work.

♥xoxo
Nana

there is no symbolism here

2008-09-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU AWAKE?
where did our knowledge
and fearscourage go away to?
he sleeps not.
was ihershenight a mistake?
or regret?
mistake is not a regret always
we bury truth
under twilight
when will you grow away
ARE YOU AWAKE?

i felt like random poetry tonight.

112.79.47/48/49/50

2008-09-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

47. Wandered out the entire day. Our hotel wasn't on the strip, it was closer to houses and so it was actually scary for me to walk around outside. Indeed, some guy tried talking to me, and another tried to buy me a drink D: sooo not legal. what the hell?

48. Wandered down a hall. Okay, lame, but I am totally terrified of things jumping out of empty halls to kill me. Things like the grudge.

49. (i really don't remember anymore D: )

50. Talked to the teacher. I was worried that after the incident with the econ class he wouldn't be keen on seeing me, but I'm glad I went in cause he was in a good mood. We talked bouts stuff & it was fun.

I've been getting disheartened lately, darlings. I hope I get my heart back.

112.34.2 please open me

2008-09-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

I threw this one out of the window on the strip; I hope someone picks it up before it gets washed away into the ocean. ):

in vegas again

2008-09-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

sweeties. I dunno what I will do about school work.

i miss you all dearies!

i also love me some jeff davis.

"patriotism is so uncool"

2008-09-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

Does anyone realize how sad and pathetic my (our?) generation is?

No one wants to be patriotic anymore. It's uncool, cause we are all supposed to hate Bush (as totally original and liberal teenagers, of course), and who doesn't want to be an ex-pat and live in Europe and be totally European?

No.

Since when did we start bitching about our own homeland? When did we start whining about our benefits? When did we become so ungrateful to our respectable forefathers?

Yeah, yeah, I bet you've heard it in history, but do you realize how lucky we are to have freedom? Sure, I complain about our country's lack of culture and suspicion and I even speculate on the reasons of crime rates, but we are free to aim for whatever job we want, to date whoever we want, to like who/what we want, to listen to what we want.

I am so sick and tired of this "America sucks!"

No, it doesn't, and I think that is such a shameful thing to say.

Like at the flag raising--No one paid attention. It was all, "oh hey guys, we don't have to be in class let's totally ignore the flag and the band and the singing."

It's sad to lose patriotism--to lose support and love for the very land that you were born and raised in.

112.79.46

2008-09-11T22:18:00.001-07:00

I have had a lot of misery these past few days,

and I figured out part of it,

and I solved one of them through a face-to-face conversation,

and I really hate confrontations.

so it was new.

112.79.44/45

2008-09-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

44. I did a few things. Like admitting fault. I hate that.

I did sit in on that AP Econ class though guys. :D
It was really embarrassing at first. Since I stuck out like a sore thumb.

45. Auditioned for video yearbook
I am proud of my singing; my stage work not so much.
it's a popularity contest, but I'm glad with what I did.

1ooth Post

2008-09-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

from josh hunter's photostream

I want to do something happy for this post. I've been thinking about it today, and maybe I need it. Maybe I'm just self-centered.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm not. I know my faults and even if it's painful for me to admit them, I know I can. These are just a self-esteem booster, I guess.

100 things I like about myself.

Habits
1. Stretches
2. Waters plants daily
3. Tries to blog daily
4. Puts oil in hair to keep it moisturized
5. Puts on sunscreen
6. Recycles
7. Makes strange noises to lighten the mood
8. Holding hands
9. Sketches
10. Laugh

Relationships
1. Takes them all seriously
2. Respects people despite her dislike of them
3. Look on both sides of a person's arguments
4. Truthful in character (doesn't pretend)
5. Will stay up late with someone regardless of her own exhaustion
6. Friends of many countries/states/cultures/"types"
7. Willing to listen (to criticism as well)
8. Gives people chances
9. Shows respect to strangers (or tries super hard to!)
10. Tries to see the good in every person.

Personality
1. Honest
2. Caring
3. Creative
4. Open-minded
5. Righteous
6. Brave
7. Kind
8. Resilient
9. Opinionated
10. Happy

Mentality
1. i believe i am strong
2. i believe i am growing
3. i believe i am changing for the better
4. i believe i am opening my mind
5. i believe i am thinking deeper
6. i believe i am secretly optimistic
7. i believe i have a resilient mind
8. i believe i am maturing
9. i believe i am believing
10. i believe i am learning to live

Looks
1. Hair
2. Eyes
3. Lips
4. Fingernail shape
5. Skin color
6. Scars
7. Eyebrow shape
8. Teeth
9. Hands
10. Palm & lines

Achievements
1. best. internship. location. EVER. handsdown.
2. made&kept friends from other countries
3. opened my mind and went against my pride
4. impressed the people i wanted to
5. impacted lives
6. come to terms with myself--faults&all (hopefully)
7. learned to live well by herself
8. started a mini revolution
9. got mad & took a stand
10. found & grounded beliefs ethics and morals

Goals
1. go to one of my college of choice
2. lose weight, GET HEALTHY
3. learn to be patient
4. learn to be more outgoing
5. learn to be more courageous
6. learn to speak Japanese fluently
7. relearn and memorize Chinese writing/reading
8. go on a mission
9. learn to accept criticism
10. be the best me i can be
11(!) become a vegetarian; eco-friendly person

Experiences
1. taiwan culture trip
2. scr theatre trip
3. steel magnolias production
4. eastwestplayers(!!)
5. dancing
6. rm jw hl sn
7. talking to strangers
8. cooking vegetarian
9. high school
10. colorado

Academics
1. get straight A's this year
2. do all the japanese homework
3. take philosophy in college
4. take biology in college
5. go to college
6. go to grad school
7. get a BA
8. get straight As in college
9. send thank you cards to all my hs teachers
10. do better on SATs

Beliefs
1. Christian
2. ecofriendly
3. pro-life
4. kohlbergs morality theory
5. style lasts forever
6. anti death penalty
7. try everything
8. food makes everything better
9. everyone is a series of good&bad
10. everyone is beautiful.

the problem

2008-09-08T18:55:00.001-07:00

I am avoidant. I am not trying to keep you all from my terrible day last Thursday. It's just there are some things better left unsaid. Maybe this series of events is.

I guess I realized that what I think about and worry about daily are definitely not normal. I mean, I guess I have always secretly thought it, but stopped because I figured there are people out there suffering worse than I am. And they are, but I guess it was wrong of me to treat my own problems without care.

Of course I don't want to focus on them or whine all the time, but I guess it's just as unhealthy to push them away and ignore them, which is funny since I tell others not to do it.

I'm just glad God is taking care of me, or I might have been in worse condition. I am not so strong as you or I may think.

Where am I going with this? Where am I going in general? I don't know anymore. Maybe we never really know.

But I'm okay. I'm doing fine. I'll be okay. I always will be.

love xoxo
Nana

112.79.41/42/43

2008-09-08T18:53:00.001-07:00

Aw man honeys my internet goes down during the night for some reason as of late, so I've forgotten my scares.

Well today, I commented on some random lady's neon hot pink shoelaces. At the gym. In the locker room.

Awesome.

do you ever

2008-09-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

have/plan those long confrontations/conversations in your head?

I had one today, and here is how it goes:

One day, Hannah is sitting in on AP Econ as per usual--her new habit of spending her free fourth period. She is quietly listening, and maybe a little jealous she can't get a book to pore over (though she doubts she really would have anyway.)

The teacher is already used to her being there. He is sometimes annoyed when she abruptly leaves or doesn't pay attention--after all, letting her in was a favor--but he doesn't mind.

Today, the door opens and in walks Hannah's old history teacher from her sophomore year. He is also the reason why she isn't really in the class. He looks at her bemused, but she can tell he's brewing something. And after a slight conversation with the actual teacher he nods to her, and she sighs, resigned to follow him out.

"Why are you in there, Hannah? You're not in the class."

Hannah looks up at him and she knows she is frowning. She pauses, carefully thinking over her words--this is not a time to be rude or brash.

"With all due respect--" and she can't keep the sarcasm out of her voice, sarcasm fueled by anger and distrust and hurt. "Why do you think I'm in the class?"

She doesn't really expect an answer.

"If it was cause I wanted the weighted GPA, I'd just stay in regular. I'm going to get an A in that class, while I'd probably wind up with a low B in AP. No," Hannah says again, self-righteousness flowing dangerously in her veins, making her more hotheaded than usual. "I'm in there to learn. I'm in there for the higher education, cause I'm in there cause I can be in there. Sir, I don't see why it's okay to hold someone back who is interested in the actual learning and not the grade as opposed to vice versa."

that's as far as that story goes.
srsly.

112.79.39/40

2008-09-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

39. I was propositioned by someone I know through others but is generally thought of as a jerk to go out for lunch. I agreed hesitatingly, so I meandered to the general area where he said he'd meet me but he wasn't there. I guess I wasn't expecting anything else, so it was okay.

40. Senior pics. Why are these scary? CAUSE THEY GO IN THE YEARBOOK AND THEY ARE ALL WE HAVE OMG. I did some "semi not smiling" pictures. I wish I had done some serious shots D: Smiling makes my eyes chinky.

Mmmmk. Pics soon when I figure out the scanner.

as if my day

2008-09-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

couldn't get any worse.

it somehow did.

what am I supposed to think now?

i am having a bad day.

2008-09-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

I am very upset today. It's nothing big but it just hurts.

I had been trying hard to get into AP Econ since I like higher learning & indepth classes. So I talked to my old APUS teacher and he agreed to support me the moment I even mentioned I wanted his opinion. But today he told me he talked to the head of the department--who dislikes me--and said that they have rules for a reason and that he's sorry but can't help me. Which makes sense but it really hurts. And then he brusquely left, so now even though he's writing my recs, I feel like he dislikes me & he's my favorite teacher and I don't want that.

Not to mention I'm completely jealous cause this girl I know always gets the guy she wants & I'm always third wheel. And he's not even the typical guy who likes her. Emo thought trail: I know I don't make myself too easy to like, since I'm not all that outgoing or pretty or kind or whatever, but... I feel like I'm not any less wantable.

Also I have two other friends, one who I've always been close to since freshman year and the other I've been close to for a while now...but they're closer to each other and I know they don't love me any less, I always feel left out. Like they're always together and have someone to turn to no matter the time or situation, but I'm all alone. I guess I'm not since lots of people love me & I'm lucky but she matters a lot to me and it hurts that maybe I don't matter as much.

Also my parents didn't pick me up till 8 today. Geez.

Something sweet did happen to boost my confidence though. The lady who borrowed my cell phone was like, "Are you Japanese? Chinese? Gosh, you're really pretty."

I think only older people think I'm pretty. I don't know what that means.

112.79.38 trust

2008-09-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

38. Allow a stranger to use my phone.

Although unfortunate, my mother has ingrained a sense of distrust of strangers into me. I hate leaving my stuff alone, even if I have to pee.

so today when a lady rushed in, and asked if she could borrow my phone, I was hesitant. WHAT IF SHE RAN AWAY WITH IT OMG.

But I got over it and handed her my phone. I watched her nervously, wondering if I would regret my lending of the phone to her.

I didn't. she was really nice (:

112.79.36/37

2008-09-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

36. Email collegeboard again- I have this inert fear that if I email someone too often, they'll get sick of me and not want to help me. Like, it's pretty bad. I usually get nothing done this way.

37. Bugged a teacher - Well I went to go meet up with a teacher about getting into his class. OMAN total shoot down. Sigh...*miserable*

I haven't been very good to you all lately. I'm sorry. I'll be better soon.

birthday wishlist

2008-09-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Photo from JupiterImages.

Hi everyone! I usually make these things, but I never post them. I guess I worry it seems conceited to think that people will want to buy me a gift, or want to know what I want. But ultimately, I make these things just cause I like making lists. Is that weird? I think so. I especially like group efforts though.

A mixtape just for me, orch seats to Spring Awakening! Cupcake earrings, pantchains, 5+page loveletters, sketches, ridiculously large stuffed animals, large and obnoxious cell phone keychains, Punk Rock Lolita Blouse Jacket from Lokisa, Coat of the Dark Abbey Jacket from Lokisa, Punk Riding Hood from Lokisa (OMG I WOULD WEAR THIS EVERY DAY), a petticoat, a lacto-vegetarian meal, a long & flowy tutu skirt or a shirt & bouncy tutu skirt...Or this tutu, if I were 8 years younger!
Plush zombie squid hat, anthropologie's Fruit Moon Dress, a hat with bunny ears, a hat with teddy bear ears, a kimono strand headband, a trip to the zoo, movie night, one-on-one time. A display of affection, 17 kisses, an ice cream date, an origami star necklace, a bouquet of red&yellow common geraniums, a cupcake with extra frosting, a Hana Professional Pink Flat Iron 1# from Misikko, a polaroid camera, recycling bins, Meiji Taishou Bag, your favorite book, armbands from Lokisa, a red pomeranian, a Moleskein, a bowtie, a ride around the city on horseback, a trip to the farmer's market, and your promise to go green♥

Whew, I'm sure there's lots more, but I think that's a long enough list !

(:

By the way, I'm getting my other blog, Finally There, my 365 photo-a-day thing going up. Check it out when you have time(:

xoxo
Nana

Update: I, uh, keep finding things I want.

Cupcake track jacket, a Chado Tea House scone & tomato soup recipe, cupcake bracelet, a cupcake hat, a frilly apron, become who you are bracelet, cupcake tshirt, and a rainbow scarf

112.79.35 gpa

2008-08-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

Well, this was probably more dumb than brave.

I mentioned what I thought was my gpa to my parents, cause I thought they should know I have poor chances of many colleges (WHICH IS COMPLETE AND HORRIBLE FAIL) and this other lady cringed.

And I knew it was bad.

and I was doomed.

*sigh*

112.79.34 saturday night

2008-08-31T15:20:00.001-07:00

Man I suck at keeping up.

I keep a lot of my sites to myself, especially from most of my IRL friends, cause, well, I know a lot of them won't understand or think it's nerdy or weird, especially all the art & inspirational sites I see, like iCing, You Are Remarkable, You Are Beautiful and Loving Yourself More. I guess I'm worried they'll think like, "wow, I hope she doesn't believe that, cause she is sooo fat and ugly."

*ashamed*

I guess I'm all scared out after Friday night *points at blog below*

How have you all been sweeties?

Friday Night/112.79.33

2008-08-31T15:17:00.001-07:00

Sorry this is late!

Hello sweetie! I have lots to talk to you about.

School started, but Friday was our school's Morp, which is our "dress as weird as you can" dance.

I went out with three other friends right after school. We went to JLT's house to get ready. Since we had a ton of time to kill, we messed around on his computer, but finally dressed up & went out. We first went to purikura, which was pretty fun! I mean, it's usually pretty fun. It's a problem if it weren't fun.

Then, we went out for pizza at the park. We spent like an hour eating and talking. Also, talking about skating. since we had a lot of extra time on our hands, we headed over to the mall. In our strange attire.

Perhaps the best part is the fact that we were walking around in our garb--JLT who had on playboy shirt and bunny ears, and Lulu with her schoolgirl outfit, and the fact she and I were holding hands. As if we weren't auspicious enough.

We decided to applestore and we walked in holding hands and I swear everyone in the store watching the doorway stare at Lulu and I holding hands. Pfffft, like that was something new -_- So then, we try to camwhore on the Apple photobooths but none of them are open, cept this computer that's off & broken. So then JLT goes up to a worker and is all, "I want to see how that computer over there is."

"Why that one?"

And behind him, I decided, hey, what if we totally acted more lesbian? So I put my arm around her waist & nuzzled her cheek. She burst out laughing, but it looked like a girlish giggle. Howie had stopped to survey us intently, and so did all the other guys.

Finally we went over to the computer & we used Photobooth. Here are the results.
It actually gets more explicit, like when we kiss each other. And the guys take photos on their phone. But since this IS the internets...

Anyways, we went to the dance. I'm glad this time was okay, I always feel awkward when I don't have a guy to dance with. Probably shallow. This time I had a few. wooo !

We went up for water, at the entrance, where it's all lighted, and we were like, THIS IS A GOOD SONG D: and we started a new dancefloor. We're pretty awesome, I gotta say.

Also, we are fearless. The entire day was pretty much doing stuff that scared me, to make up for my earlier lameities.

Las Vegas Summer o8!

2008-08-30T16:30:00.001-07:00

Hello Sweethearts!

Here is a recount of my four days and three nights in Vegas.

Day One

We left Fullerton at around 11 pm, but went to Rowland Heights to grab some munchies & ingredients for my food. He lives in Davis, so there isn't a lot of ethnic food stores that he could shop at, so we bought him a bunch of stuff.

I fell asleep somewhere during the second hour, but when I woke up, we were in Vegas (my dad is a super driver; he got us there in like 3.5 hours!)

We went to pick up my brother from McCarran Airport (the entire thing is filled with ads for shows, but I didn't have my camera on me >_<), and then we went to our hotel to get our room. We stayed at Harrah's, which is nice cause it's on the strip, but definitely pretty old (I forgot to take a picture, but here's really what I only saw). I really want to stay at Caesar's or the Venetian someday. So then we went to The Buffet at the Bellagio (top 10 picks from a tourist list). So it's super expensive, and we were in line for like half an hour.

DUDE IT WAS THE NICEST BUFFET I HAVE EVER BEEN TO. Also an insane splurge. On wallet and my tummy ): They had like, gourmet chocolates, cakes, baked macaroni and cheese, even roasted buffalo (which was really tough to cut cause it's so lean). It was really pricey, about 30 dollars a person, but what's inside made sense. And yes, we pretty much ate under 10 dollars a day the rest of the time AHAHA! -_- Aw man, I feel like a fatty glutton talking about all the food -_-

Seriously though, it made sense why it took us like an hour to get in and why it was so pricy. It was so nice, but the Bellagio is a pretty amazing hotel in general, you know?

After the buffet, we wandered around inside the Bellagio for a while. There's a bunch of amazing shops there, like Chanel and Yves. But they were all closed as it was around 11 when we were there. It was adorable inside; Bellagio seems to have a thing for balloons. (1) We waited outside the Bellagio for their water show. They played songs from Chicago that night (squeeee!) and the water danced along! I was very pleased. Bellagio is right on the strip, so Bally's and ParisParis were near by! Awesome photo op. Oh gawd, I'm a tourist! I've never really had an urge to go to Paris, but the way the mini Paris looked at night was really pretty, though I bet Parisians hate it ahaha! (1, 2)

We wandered back in to go to our car, but we got distracted by this side room--it was GREEN! Well, fake greens, which I found ironic since it was trying to advocate saving the Earth, but my brother pointed out that it takes a lot to maintain a garden. It was kind of frightening though, since they had two baby giant bald eagles and a choochoo train. (1, 2)

There was also the "largest and tallest" chocolate fountain there in the Bellagio. I'm actually not a chocolate fan, but it was interesting to see! (1, 2)

We went to our room and my brother and I went out to explore. It was relatively safe cause the streets are always filled with people. Vegas is wonderful during the day to explore, but it's really nice at night, especially for citylovers like me. It's got such a fast-paced glow, all bright and colors. I feel safer, actually. I hate the dark. Not to mention that the lights...Well, I don't really know why I love them so much. We walked to the Venetian and back; that place has a mountain of escalators. It's highly amusing. (1, 2, 3, 4)

Day Two

The next day, we didn't wakeup till like 11, so then we went downtown to eat at another buffet.
I didn't take many pictures, since they don't allow it, but it's a beautiful old casino.

We then went to a part of Chinatown and got my brother a haircut. It's interesting there, but far too expensive. They don't really have competition like they do here in fullerton, so the prices can go high. Plus, it's a desert.

Then my brother and I went back for some more explorin'. We walked to the Venetian again, and actually looked inside. It had so many high class brands, I was afraid to go in! I wasn't dressed poorly, but I definitely was not as classy as some of the other ladies. Plus my brother was pretty scruffy.

I made it into one store; it was kind of Betsey Johnson ish; kind of eclectic and yummy. I put on a Russian Military hat. I wish I were rich. I would have gotten it!

We then went to Fashion Show Mall. It was a little like the mall close to my house, with the occasional store like Betsey Johnson (squeee!) and Coach in it. I went into FCUK, and they had a 50% off sale! I was extremely pleased. I bought a pink striped off shoulder shirt and a purple & orange shirt. The girl who helped us was cute too. Added bonus!

They have a runway in that mall. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. And so clever too, right? You watch models wearing the stuff you can buy AT THE MALL and then you love it & go buy it.

I stared contemplatively at the runway for a half hour, debating if I should walk on it or not. I really wanted to, but my brother was like, "NO, you're fat. People will think you're one of those girls who thinks she got it, but she don't." Of course, I was going to till he said that, and my confidence totally deflated. My family tends to be the worst blows to my ego.

But I did it anyways & I'm glad I did.

After, we walked around some more & then went back to the hotel.

Day Three

This next day, my brother and I first went to a show (it was the only one I guess I could see. Being 16 has no merits). It was the Mac King Magic & comedy show. I had a strawberry daiquiri no alcohol. He was pretty amusing. :3

I stayed in the hotel most of the time, after that. My parents & brother went to go look at some houses. So I stayed in & stuff. Watched TV.

At night my brother and I went to go explore some more. We went to Planet Hollywood mall, and we only explored a little. They have an Urban Outfitters there !

I bought a book on Graffiti--Banksy Wall & Piece, but I was debating over the other book, 50 Years of Peace, a book on protest. Sounded perfect for a hippie, don't you think?

I kinda wish I had gotten ALL of them. But I'm not very rich. So I didn't. Oh well.

Day Four

Our last day there. ):

Well, we left our hotel and went to downtown Las Vegas. My brother had seen Anthony Bourdain eat fried Twinkies there & I guess you should try everything at least once in your life? So we had a fried Twinkie. And fried Oreos. I...I was full after the first bite of Oreo. I could feel my veins clogging up. I...I...
I felt guilty. I always feel guilty in Vegas. If it's not buffets, it's deep fried sweets. It was amazingly delicious but it felt SO bad. I swear, they used a pound of powdered sugar on those things. D:

After that, we just ate lunch & then we took my brother to the airport. We then went to meet my dad's acquaintance and we stayed in Chinatown till midnight. Then we drove home.

That was a bitch.

Beginning of the End

2008-08-28T20:09:00.001-07:00

First day of my senior year in high school. Regardless of what people say, this is a closing of a chapter in my life. Everything will change again. People will leave, some will stay.

It's still really strange. I don't feel changed or matured. I don't feel like I know too much more than I did before I started high school, or that I've done all my edumacation. And yet, we're top dogs, those we looked up to now gone. And we will be too.

So anyways, we started a new tradition at our school--Senior Sunrise. We all went to a huge hill by our school to await the sunrise. My darling Trixy and I got there first in the dark, but others arrived. I felt excited and exhilarated--however obvious it is, there's symbolism in it. A sunrise is a new day, a new sun, a new chance. Our first day of senior year is a new look, a new position, new materials and options.

But as we waited, it got lighter and lighter...but we saw no sun. It was...really disappointing and anticlimactic. I hope it isn't a bad omen.

So school starts. I receive my schedule only to find they didn't put me in the class I want & need most--drama 2. I have this kind of problem every year.

But I had an okay day in general--ups and downs.

The ups were during break, I got my recs approved ! I can breathe easy about those. Now I have to worry about the SAT and essay part....

I haven't posted my Vegas post yet, huh? I can't do that tonight, I've procrastinated enough. Sorry babies !<33

112.79.25-32

2008-08-27T23:03:00.001-07:00

Oh darlings, I feel like such a bad blogger! -covers face in shame- I have been away from you all so long !

So much has happened, and I might just do a vlog like Gala for you! A post about first day of school is coming soon. I worry I'll have shorter & shorter posts for you... sigh...

8/21 Told rents I like girls - Kind of. They took it as a joke.
8/22 In the buff - I'm uncomfortable with my body, so this was definitely hard.
8/23 went out with dad
8/24 tried goat cheese - I have an inert..distrust of foods that seem...weird. Goat cheese is included. But since I'm trying to go green, and become a lacto-vegetarian, I tried some. It was SO delicious !
8/25 In the Buff at the Gym
8/26 Talked to someone I normally wouldn't - Like, have a conversation with? Cause I'm afraid of him. Kind of
8/27 Went to gym alone
8/28 Talked to a teacher about recs - It's pretty nerve shaking to have to rely on someone to say good or bad things about you to a school. So I'm glad I got approved. If I had been rejected...*shiver*

112.79.24 swam alone

2008-08-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

I have another intense paranoia: swimming pools. I LOVE swimming, I am a mermaid.fish.seacreature monstrosity. However, I for some reason, have this paranoia that while swimming in a pool alone a) a shark will come eat me, a shark which came from the sea or b) there is a virus in the water and I'll die cause I'll absorb it.

(a is definitely from my childhood; I used to think pool water was ocean water that came in through those holes, and sharks could get in too)

So today at the gym, the entire pool room was empty--no one in the learner's pool, no one in the hot tub, no one in the pool. Not to mention it was dark and the only thing on was a generator. Bracing myself I took two huge gulps of air and dived in. I swam all of two laps, looking into every corner when my face was under water.

This will definitely need to be repeated till it's solved.
But I don't want it to be ):

Anyways sweeties, I started on my Vegas post, but it feels so rushed & half-hearted. I am so scared for college. I will be taking the next 10 days off again, so I can study. I'm sorry darlings! I love and miss you all, but I can't control myself on this internet. I'll be back, please wait for me! Accept my deepest apologies.

So until then, please keep on blogging & doing what you do best, lovelies.

with love,
Nana

112.79.18/19/20/21 Vegas Scares

2008-08-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

112.79.18 Did what my emotions wanted;
I'm not someone who is conservative in personality, but it still doesn't mean I do everything I feel like doing. So on this day, I did; I sang and danced when I wanted, I yelled and took photos and explored. It was really freeing!

112.79.19 Walked on the catwalk
At Fashion Show Mall. I was close to doing it till my brother was all, "no you're fat. You'll seem like those girls who think they're all that but they're not." Owch. But I did it. I'm so fierce LOL.

112.79.20 Went out alone
Probably more stupid than brave, I was left at the hotel for like six hours and wandered out alone. It was fckin' terrifying o_o

112.79.21 Wrote a secret on a napkin & put it back in the holder.
(:

I'm sorry about the late Vegas post. I'd feel like I'm cheating you if I rushed it, but I need to stay offline this next week anyways! I promise a super delicious post when I do come back.

Ciao, bellas!

112.79.22/23

2008-08-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XXII/XXIII: riding in a stranger's car/telling penpal he's cute

I'm sorry sweeties, I've been out of comission. The Las Vegas post will be up today, hopefully!

8.17.08, I went to school for orientation. I have a mutual friend whose a friend of another friend (something like that), and even though I had heard so many things about him, I had never met him. Well I met him randomly and sat in his car.

Now I dunno about you, but after I started driving, I gained an imminent distrust of all drivers. They just FRIGHTEN me. Especially when we drive into the middle of an intersection when the light's yellow--I FREAK OUT and squeeze my eyes real tight.

8.18.08 So of my four penpals, one of them continues to write to me, and the thing is, he's ...a good 10 years older than I am. So, it is kind of awkward to converse with him, worried that he will think I'm just a kid & think lowly of me. So I did take initiative and tell him he is very good-looking (:

silght hiatus sweeties

2008-08-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be in Vegas till Sunday, so while I'll keep doing things that scare me, I can't tell you about them!

Sorry I haven't been very good about commenting everyone lately. I'll do my best to tell you all about my trip when I get back!

xoxo and starfish,
Nana

112.79.17 rr

2008-08-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XVII: revealing a relationship

I have a lot of weird relationships with guys. A lot of them I have almost boyfriend-girlfriend kind of relationships but it's not really that and it's not even the "kind of relationship" thing. We just act like we're together but we don't like each other. And it's not bad, I guess. The relationship with no strings? Cept we don't do the kissing thing or whatever.

So yeah I'm in that kind of relationship with a good friend of mine and I'm always cautious about it. We were out with mutual friends at the beach, and some of them I'm really close to, so I'm usually very...careful about my affections. Usually I don't even do it.

But since I'm extra fond of this guy, I decided to brave myself and just cuddle him to death, who cares who sees! It was really fun.

Yup. ^_^

112.79.16 i like

2008-08-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XVI: complimenting a strange

I was over at the Target today, and it's hard for me to start up conversations, even now, but the girl who was helping me out had beautiful copper makeup, which I thought looked really pretty on her dark skin.

So after she had talked to me about the food Dibz, I stopped, smiled and said,

"I really like your make-up."

It feels nice to compliment strangers.

112.79.15 alone

2008-08-11T22:28:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XV: playing raquetball alone

I think you all realize by now I hate to be alone on many accounts. Mostly it's cause of the fear that the grudge girl will come out and kill me, but other times it's just that being alone means me thinking alone.

Today I headed to the gym for a nice cardio workout. My mom's away so I wouldn't have a partner, but I decided.

I think sometimes it seems silly to include this in things I'm afraid to do, but really, there's only so much I'm terrified of and things that are brave that aren't irreversible, psychological or just plain stupid.

So yup.

I'm freaking out about college admissions right now though.

112.79 1-14review and updates

2008-08-11T01:58:00.001-07:00

Photo from bleedingme's deviantArt.

Hi everyone! I think it's important that I close all loose ends of my past tasks so I can make them feel sure. It's like a review to see if I'm over that fear or if I still need to keep on going.

112.79.1 stranger in a strange land (talking to a stranger on the train) - the boy denied my friends request on facebook, but I guess it was a good shellshock; often times I fall into a conceited, "well, why wouldn't someone add me?" or "I don't think people would say no..." It's not conceit when I think it, it's just self-assured that I felt good about the day. So, I guess it's not...the greatest ego-boost ever...But he denied and that is that. Like eye in the sky said, hurt can be a very good teacher.

112.79. 2 / 3 hauntings (going into haunted theatre and bathroom) - I am still frightened of ghosts. So. Uh.

112.79.6 public internetmiliation (posting a video of me singing to blogger) - I'm not gonna lie, that wasn't my best singing ever, so yes, I'm embarrassed. I'll do another one for ya'll someday♥

112.79.8 rejection(talking to a boy who has hurt me) - I...still have an intense fear of rejection on any account. I'm sure that this goes much deeper than this one incident, but this is one step forward, right?

112.79.9 short (posting my short story on facebook) - After that one...uncomfortable comment, I had several good responses. Most surprising from someone who I hadn't tagged, whose opinion I was curious about at the time. He gave some really useful criticism, pleasantly. It's the same person who I wrote a letter to on my 13th task! While I'm disappointed most of the people I tagged didn't bother to respond, this made up for a good deal of it.

112.79.12 maybe it's narcissism (taking myself out) - It was a lot of fun, but I'm not sure I'd want to do it again...I love purikura but it's too expensive to do alone!

112.79.13 baring the heart (talking to someone with whom I got off on the wrong foot) - I feel really good about this. We had a horrible misunderstanding to begin with, and that's never something I want to live with, so I'm glad that's cleared up. Who knows, we might even be friends after this. At least we can be civil without suspicion, I hope...

It's important to go back and look at how these have affected me. It's growing up, but smaller and in fast forward!

Wow, today, the 11th, will be my 15th task! Has it really only been two weeks? It feels like a lot longer! I'm excited but 350 more days is daunting! Wish me luck.

112.79.14 Wanted

2008-08-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XIV: movie with dad

I won't go into details, but I don't have a good relationship with my dad at all.

My mom went to the mountains for two days, to take care of students on a trip that the school she's principal of decided on, so I'm stuck with my dad. I personally blame it on typical I HATE MY DAD teenager years, but I don't spend any time with him...nor do I have any real desire to. It's really awkward and uncomfortable for me, but we went to go see a movie. I wasn't gonna waste this chance to go out!

So that's as far as it went. I'm not any more comfortable with him than I was before, but I did spend time with him despite all the AWKWARD alarms going off in my head.

112.79.13 baring the heart

2008-08-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XIII: baring the heart

Backstory: In the beginning of the year I was..."slighted" by this guy I had met, whose brother was my fairly good friend. I ended up being really cruel and sarcastic, also because I had heard many things about him, which I found unpredictable, so I was pretty much always on defense.

It's pretty bad, cause while I don't think we'd ever be "good" friends, he's an interesting guy. It's gone to the point in which we suspect sarcasm in everything the other says, and that's never healthy, right?

So I wrote him a short but honest letter (keeping to myself my insecurities) about how I was sorry for my earlier behavior. I didn't mention starting over since, well, he's going to college, so there won't be a need to start over.

I feel extremely vulnerable, even now. While I did want to set things straight between us, I do realize he's not the kindest person alive, and I guess a part of me fears everyone mocks me. He and his friends certainly do a lot of that to others.

I'm not sure how to tell how I feel. Maybe I shouldn't judge people by his or her friends, but I do know a few of his friends to be notorious for their humiliation of others...and people pick up habits and traits of their friends.

I guess we'll wait and see.

112.59 stripes in my hair

2008-08-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

112.59 Get stripes in my hair

As you know, I complained last week about how fail my stripes were. I put this post as an offering of another FFless week ): Also my other two posts below ^_^b

I got the stripes done! They're not really visible in the front. I'm pretty pleased with them. Not as even or straight, and the blonde's all weird (spots of white, golden and platinum), but overall I'm quite pleased with the effect.

I'm thinking, maybe someday I should do swirls...? We'll see.

the glory and denunciation of teenagedom

2008-08-09T00:54:00.001-07:00

I suppose to some extent, a person can have control over these experiences. I mean, regarding how long they will leave this experiences inside them, to rot and mold and sicken a person. I definitely don't think a person can let go of all bad memories and how they affect that person, of course not.

It's so hard being a teenager. You feel like you've lived a long time, and four years only seems long cause four years ago, you were still a kid. But, assuming teenagedom is when you start having existential crises, you've only have four years of high school to worry about being meaningful. You feel empowered, but so powerless.

You're stuck in a metaphysical field of being taken seriously or being scoffed at. While you're old enough to think for yourself to some extent, you may not have all the means of carrying through.

(I just realized my greatest fault writing these blogs is that I change topics back and forth)

But it's great too--our youth is at its peak, we are as alive as we will ever be. It's why we should take chances when we're young.

Teenagedom is unavoidable. You have to suffer and enjoy all of it.

112.79.12 perhaps it's narcissim.

2008-08-08T22:31:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post XII: taking myself out on a date.

Can it be a habit to do things that scare you? It takes 21 days straight to make/break a habit, but does this work for things that scare you? hmm...

Today I took myself out on a date. Does this sound narcissistic? I dunno, but I got the idea from good ole Gala (source).

I decided last night that I am going to be happy, and after that things did look up. I could see my good traits, I could accept and try to figure out how to lessen my bad traits.

But anyways, today, my mother dropped me off at Puente Hills Mall for two and a half hours on my own...Which would be wonderful if I had more money. I had a good forty, which is still a lot.

So I bought myself a cute vest (I even did what I always do--argue that it's pricey! I can't buy it!) I had a nice meal and then took photobooth pics. (I circled the machine for a good five minutes, unsure since it didn't have curtains.)

I had a lot of fun doing that.

112.79.10/11 missed one.

2008-08-07T22:58:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post X and XI: Confession & dirty drawings.

My internets was down, but my thing that scares me will be a confession.

I do not know how to have a normal relationship with anyone, be it friendship, acquaintanceship, anything.

Geez, I need to find a blade to cut my happy vein and bandage my emo one.

I've been in far too many "well, I may like you and you might like me, but we'll both dodge it and have a weird kind of but not really the kind of not really relationship" and that's cause I'm easy to use.

I don't know how to have a best friend cause those I consider close to me don't hang out with me or come to me in when they need me.

I have some good friends, but not considering what I put out.

It makes me insecure and I hate that I let myself go through.

XI: Obscene pictures.

I drew obscene pictures on the internet on this chat room/draw pic site.

It was fun. ^_^

Yeah. I'm..not wordy tonight.

On Being Happy and Ending Bad Friendships

2008-08-06T13:43:00.001-07:00

I was just reading Gala's article on "negative people" and how they affect you. This isn't that new or an epiphany.

The sad part is, I am still am one of those negative people. Granted, I am far better now than I was four years ago, but let's face it--I still have my extremely "teen angst" ridden moments. Often, too!

There isn't any excuse for it, but I do let lots of what people say affect me so negatively, even if I can figure out the reasons for harsh words. I do a lot of stuff, like be unnecessarily harsh under the pretense of "honesty." I could say that I want to be honest, but there's honesty and then there's things that shouldn't be said.

It's still so hard to figure that out though. I'm still insecure and trying to figure out how I fit into this world.

It's so tough to be really, truly happy. I am someone who is easily pleased, but just as easily let down. And yeah, it really is easier to be a whiny, stupid teenager. I can honestly say I don't know anyone who breaks that mold--everyone's just in different realms of it.

I guess I'm being a little harsh on myself. I have stopped the constant complaining about school and grades and things that I understand I had under my control. I've stopped blaming teachers so much, and I still try to take on blame myself. Of course I could improve upon this--instead of, "I know I shouldn't have ______, but she still shouldn't have _____!" I should just accept my part in it. But like I said, it's so hard--no one wants to accept fault or be proved he or she is wrong.

To be happy means that you can understand true happiness, and revel in it, while understanding things may not go your way. I know a lot of my distress is caused by my own insecurities, but it's so hard to let go, as it means accepting those faults first.

And it's true that your friends affect who you are. My character has changed drastically in the last year or so, and in some ways, it's something I'm not proud of. But it's not as though when you first meet someone you can expect to be certain of his or her character. You can't think, "Okay, in a friend I'm looking for this, and if this person doesn't show me it in the first two months of our acquaintanceship, I'm not going to be his or her friend." Unfortunately, that's not how life works.

You could argue that "if he or she isn't a good person, don't be friends!" But that's so much easier said than done, right? People can't really be judged as "good" or "bad." That's because each person is a collection of good and bad traits. Even intentions can't be used--"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

There are always good times with each person. It's not easy to throw that away. I know, I've tried. Maybe it is because I have never really been friends with someone who I have really ever regretted spending time with, someone who I could say I didn't need him or her--except for one. Am I too kind to people? Am I too soft? I sometimes wonder, since people often throw me away (see, whiny teenager!).

I guess when you plan on ending a friendship, you have to be sure. You have to be prepared to throw away what you had and the words you said and the promises you made. I love Gala, her blog and her advice, but it's not easy to throw anyone away. It shouldn't be. You have to be sure that the negativity you will feel after throwing them away is less than the total negativity that person will have caused you.

Being happy may be as easy as surrounding yourself with people who are good to you and the world, but that isn't easy at all.

In other news, the blog entry below this one still makes me sad.

112.79.9 short

2008-08-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post IX: Posting my short story on Facebook.

I know, I know. I post all my art and stuff on deviantArt, flickr and here. But it's not the same on facebook. On Facebook, everyone I KNOW will see it, people who may laugh at what I write, or think it's weird I write romancey cheesy stuff. Or are surprised or shocked or anything. They may or may not appreciate it, may or may not like it or mock it.

So while it seems like a small thing, it's been something I've debated over for several months. I would really like some criticism, as I am still looking for a writing style. I hope that my peers, whom I know and understand better, can give me clear advice.

Man.

You can see the short story I posted on deviantArt. Here: Let The Yolk Spill. I'm immensely proud of it, but I wouldn't say it's...well-written.

In other news, I happen to suck at friendship.
p.s. I have already had a bad response. Sigh. But I will not wimp out now.

112.79.8 fear of rejection

2008-08-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post VIII: Talked to a boy who hurt me.

I dunno, this almost is in the same emo vein I seem to have struck as of late.

You know how I know a lot of people since I've been to a lot of places? Well, I've had my fair share of assholes. That'd be a long story for another day. They didn't always do the "HAHA I BREAK JOR HEART" thing. Most of the time, they hurt me by lying, or ...I don't even know.

I used to have really bad self-esteem issues. I probably still do. Back in 8th grade, I had this goth/emo thing going on, bad haircut included. This kid I met, yeah that's him in the picture, I hooked him up with his kind of ex, so it's needless to say we were pretty good friends.

Geez, this is a story I'm not proud of. I once was talking to him, and I was fishing for compliments. It went something along the lines like, "I'm not pretty. No boy has ever said it." And you know, basically when a girl says that to a guy, any socially astute, smart or suave boy will say, "no, you are!" So he did.

And two seconds later said, "so that's what I say, you choose to believe me or not."

Which translates into, "I was lying."

Wonderful for emo brain. Yeah? Yeah, my ass. So it's been a good two years since I talked to him.

But I did today. I believe he has forgotten me.

Oh well.

In other news, I'm worried about my ex best friend. And I spent the whole dayin front of the computer, for cripes' sake. I need a life.

What is ADitLoAMDH? (An exposition on hippies from the modern POV)

2008-08-04T17:05:00.001-07:00

Took out all the sex and drugs, and kept all the love and rock'n'roll.

I realized that while I think my blog title (A Day in the Life of a Modern-Day Hippie) meets and creates feelings in me, the word "hippie" also implies druggie tree-huggers and flower-power and tie-dye t-shirts.

I'm not gonna lie, I know the connotations.

But I think that's sad. The hippies of the '60s didn't mean for their image to be a bunch of future-less, drugged-out hobos. They wanted change and revolution, and they really did believe their method to be the best.

"The true hippie spirit is one of love, peace, understanding and a deep respect for others and the planet." (Source)

Now I know I'm not a "real" hippie. I'm religious, I do understand that without a government, we're all pretty much doomed to kill each other, and I have a deep respect for cultures.

A basic overview of the hippie history:

It's said that it's a branching off or extension of the beatnik generation, whom were known as "bohemian hedonist" writers, who lived for nonconformity and creativity. They sought spiritual understanding, seen through writers like Jack Kerouac.

It's then easy to see how the hippie movement came from that kind of culture.

The hippie movement was not only in America or Europe--it was widespread all across the world. Japan had its own fair share of rioters. Europe gave birth to the punk era through its hippie counterculture.

The drug part of hippiedom--inclusive of weed (marijuana) and acid (LSD)--all stemmed from the idea that the drugs and the experiences that came with them would broaden your mind, create enlightenment. And with at least a greater part of the population enlightened, then society would be changed, socially and politically. (You have to remember, during the 60s, many were upset with politics due to the Vietnam War, there was the Cold War with Russia, there is a lot of racism still present, and at the same time, the US was trying to force kids into school to keep up with the Russians, who sent Sputnik up into space the same year)

Because hippies try hard to break away from the "preprogrammed" minds and thoughts society has engrained into us, the belief that drugs help one to essentially break free seems to then make sense. While a few hippies believe drugs are not necessary, they also say that it's difficult to break out of that frame of mind.

So I suppose drugs were the means; the mind and freedom of the spirit were the cause.

I suppose to some extent, I understand this--people on a whole are inevitably going to follow the rules and laws of what both the media, our peers and parents. We are products of the machine, and we will, sooner or later, do something not because we wanted to, but because it's in us to do it.

It brings up all sorts of existential questions actually--"If what we think is affected by our society and environment, is this how I'm supposed to be?" "Am I who I think I am, or am I defining myselef through the standards of TV?"

No, I'm not saying the government is trying to control us. (Though I'm a good five steps and 3 possible sleepless nights away from believing it; it's so much easier to control money-grubbing, selfish follows than a society of thinkers.)

It's kind of like, you know how when you're a kid, you listen to your parents, not really knowing why, but if you keep on doing what they say, it becomes a habit to do it. Like, for a while, till you become rebellious-whiny-teenager, you unquestioningly do whatever mom'n'pops say cause it's IN you to do it. Is that really you, or not?

I often wonder what I would be like if I was closed off from society, but then I figured I could end up in a white room and figure it out myself someday.

A lot of LSD was supplied as "Can you pass the acid test?"

Sex and hippies also makes sense if you take into account the strict rules about sex and marriage of earlier times. After ideally breaking free from the constraints, you don't have to listen to those rules anymore.

And what's there to explain about rock'n'roll? As generations move on, we hate our parent's music. We change the style and bam, our parents hate our music. It's also part of the whiny teenager syndrome.

Well, okay, maybe not. But have you guys ever really listened to actual hippie music? It's also called psychedelic rock. In it, they improv while on drugs. It's like jazz, cept more fantasy realmed than artful. Woodstock was love peace and LSD. Maybe.

So you see, being a hippie was more than "LULZ LET'S GET HIGH AND EXCHANGE BODILY FLUIDS!" It was more of a rebellion against society and what it meant to do to the individual. It's fighting against the constraints of those against you.

For me, I'm fighting against the generic lifestyle. I don't want to fall prey to judgment by others, and I don't want to fall prey to the lust for aggrandizement. To me, I'm going to fight misconceptions regarding things I love and enjoy. I want to do things I like, regardless of whether most people approve of me or not.

To me, being a "hippie" means fighting for what you believe in--for them, it was enlightenment, which also lead to human rights, and for me it means looking for a way to bring good back into the culture. It's to bring back human kindness and decency, and leaving behind the irresponsible nature we've been brought up in. I also want people to open their eyes and see what's wrong, and to bring about change.

This sounds rancidly a lot more idealistic than informative than I might have hoped.

FRIDAY FAVOURITES

2008-08-04T15:03:00.001-07:00

You guys, I fail so hard. I forgot yesterday was Friday.

Uhh...I know there's a lot, but I'm sure I'm forgetting like half of it. Also, I don't know what happened to my pictures...sigh...I'm a fail blogger.

My 112 list! And me going along with it.
Mamma Mia! the movie. I love musicals! I am not gonna lie, I was really tempted to get up and dance. I really want to start singing a really popular song in class someday. See if anyone joins me.
Questionablecontent.net. I'm not gonna lie, it pulled me out of my fanfiction addiction, which has been a long ...6 year commitment. Geez.I'm kind of sad, actually. I met a lot of people through online communities. Okay, I'm gonna stop now.
My new haircut, but not the dye job.
Fashion magazines are a perpetual lust, but I spent 4 hours at a salon looking at 'em. Yum. I especially like Vogue's superhero issue.

I dunno, guys, I don't really have the heart to finish this up. Is it bad that I posted it?

I promise a goodone next week.

112.79.7 offer a prayer

2008-08-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post VII: Offering an older, nonChristian person my prayer.

Wow a lot of religious posts lately. Hmmm...

Anyways, I won't go into detail, but I was at my old Chinese teacher's house earlier this evening, and she mentioned to me her mom had cancer, and it's pretty much uncurable (mix of age and rareness and location of the cancer). I won't go into details, but it's pretty sad.

I usually offer to pray for someone, often because I do believe prayer has power. However, I've never offered to an older woman--someone who taught me. I suppose it's a mental thing, to be unsure of how to talk to them about this kind of thing.

But on my way out, I said in a hurry, "I-I know you're not a Christian, but I'm going to pray for your mom, okay? I-I also don't want her to suffer everyday."

She smiled at me.

112.79.6 public internetmiliation.

2008-08-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post VI: singing on a video & posting it here (not youtube, maybe some other day)

Hi everyone. I was gonna redo this, but I'm in IRATE EMO TEENAGER mode right now. Stuff doing with the mailman losing my AP scores & collegeboard requiring me to pay MONEY just to call them. Geez. Like the 110 for the tests wasn't enough as it is.

Anyways, today I wanted to sing parts of HONEY HONEY from Mamma Mia!, but there happens to be a note which is my breaking note. Geez I'm not very lucky today am I?

I don't want to do my usual "OMG SORRY IF IT SUCKS" cause I realize lack of confidence is not a good trait in business or romance or school or life. But I'm not conceited enough to think I'm amazing, so I'll settle with that. I need singing lessons. I also need to practice more so my voice isn't rusty, and I need to stand up when I sing or something.

Well, I did a verse from that and a capella of "My Junk" from Spring Awakening. Enjoy! I'm gonna go off and sulk a while now.

"Honey, Honey" It cut off the end.

"My Junk" acapella. First verse, no chorus.

I didn't study today. Gawd, and I'm also freaking out about personal statement and SATIIs and everything else. Why am I so...AGHh.

separation of church and human stupidity

2008-08-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time that I've had to deal with the "come on, Christians can't be good people. Look at the 'Holy Wars,' and all those child-molesting ministers!" It's been a long time I haven't been able to put a response that didn't respond with a doubtful "I guess..."

And yeah. There are always asshats who say things like "You are banned. You are not a Christian for Christians don't accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian." (source)

But the sad part about these kinds of lists is that no one of the same site/group ever makes the counter opinion list. No one ever mentions that hey, there ARE Christian groups trying to do well in other countries by sending food, money, and medical attention. Of course, there are other religious groups doing the same, but is it fair to judge ALL Christians by this unfortunate set of extremists and their words and actions?

It used to anger me so much when I came across these kinds of people. While I would admire their passion for Christ, I would hate the way they went about it. While I haven't finished the Bible yet, I'm pretty sure it doesn't say, "Go out and offend and kill those in God's name."

Now I'm just disappointed--by both the hypocrisy of many Christians (I've seen the almost KKKesque extreme Christians to those who live in excess and sin who live under the label of Christian), but also by the groups pointing the fingers, accusing all people who pray, go to Church, or even read the Bible as "hypocritical, lying, no-good, delusional Jesus freaks."

Yeah. I know there are people like that. But is it any better for someone to "hate all Christians" because of it?

I'm not trying to say that what these people say and do is okay. I think they maybe should try to reevaluate their views on God's words.

I'm trying to defend my faith. I am not as religious as I used to be, but I am still a Christian. Is it fair to ridicule Christianity based upon the past ("Holy Wars") or on the ones who take take their own views on the Bible to the extreme? It's just the same as saying that because black people have been enslaved so many times in the past, all they are good for is manual labor, or that because all the Latinos you've ever met spoke very little English that all Latinos are illegal immigrants, both of which are obviously not true.

No matter a person's religion, the person is still only a human being. That includes the fact that all humans err and are imperfect and may be hypocrites or lazy or conceited or anything. Yes, Christianity may state that these are sinful traits, but a person is a person is a person. Not everyone is going to be able to live to those standards all the time, and it's up to that Christian to ask forgiveness of it.

I've just been irritated lately. The influx of news of child-molesting pastors and hate and racism all put Christianity in a bad light which I believe, as a whole, the religion itself doesn't deserve.

So before you judge a Christian, Buddhist, Daoist or anyone else because they aren't following their own religion, remember that they're just like you--a human being, prone and vunerable to failing and doing wrong things.

p.s. this isn't aimed directly at any of you, just something I wanted to talk about.

112.79.5 hair

2008-08-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

Before:

After:

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post V: Allowing my hair to be done by someone who's never done the style I wanted before.

This is my first mission that didn't have a happy ending.

I went to the salon I normally go to for my newest hair idea--stripes. I went back, even though it's pretty pricey, cause they're the ones who did my last two dyejobs. I imagined thin and even blonde&black stripes.

So, she starts cutting and I was really happy--I got the kind of edgy straight-across bangs & left remnants of the blonde from last time. And when she bleached my hair & put on the chunks of black, it was even and great.

But then, she washed my hair and started mumbling "oh, the color might run into the blonde, and it'll be not what it looks like" so I got worried--but I though, well, if it runs, it'll just look like a gradient, right?

No. Now it looks like pencilblonde lines in my hair.

Okay, so it's not that bad. I guess it's really pretty (it could be mistaken for sunlight through blinds shining on my hair), but I wanted something really unique and obnoxious, as usual. (I'm such a bitch; complaining about it frustrates me to tears). I ended up being kind of rude near the end, and even though I felt bad, I was selfish and continued my bad behavior.

I'm not gonna lie, I had this one coming, and it was a disappointment. I feel bad for saying it though, since the girl who did it was really nice & it was her first time doing a stripe job, so I guess it was my fault for risking it. Still, I had been looking forward to this for months...I have even been taking extra care of my hair to ensure that the bleach job wouldn't be bad. It's not really her I'm upset at, it's just the way it looks I'm so angry about.

Hmm...I feel this was more a complaint than a report.

112.79.4 in public

2008-07-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post IV: Singing and dancing to Mamma Mia! in public.

I guess this is more of an embarrassing story than a scary thing.

To be honest, I sing at really inappropriate times to begin with, but I'm not gonna lie, I don't usually do the booty-shaking thing or the throw-my-hands-into-the-air often. Or the really bad imitation of ballet. Actually, I don't really like dancing in front of others unless I'm being taught. So it was scary.

(And also, not to mention the fact it was DANCING QUEEN. Yeah. Love ABBA and all, not something you wanna get caught dancing to. Unless you know you're good. Or old. Both?)

So, I was headed to the gym to swim and maybe practice dancing, and during the five minute walk, I decided I was bored. For my own sake, I really need a new musical to obsess over (musical soundtrack obsession period for me is about 3-20 months), and Mamma Mia! came out in theatres and I aim to see that. And that's the musical I picked.

And it's dark, and I started skipping while waving my ridiculously heavy backpack in the air singing, "YOU CAN DAAAANCE, YOU CAN JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!" (and at least three times over, it's the only part I know!) and what comes out at the next intersection?

Right, a group of people in my neighborhood.

But I kept on going, despite the part where my heart went PATATATATATATAA beep.

Yeah. At least the rest of you now know I'll be stuck singing obnoxious songs at you forever now. Who needs dignity anyways?

112.79.3

2008-07-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post III: Going into the empty theatre alone.

Yeah, another ghost-related post. I'm sorry, this time was really scary!

I had to go down to the tech booth to fetch a computer (general slave work! woo!), which meant I had to go into the BIG DARK SCARY theatre alone...and it was pitch black. And I had no idea how to work the lights. Plus, not even three days after I hear the ghost story about the balcony....MERMERMERM.

So anyways, even though I unashamedly ran the hell out of there, I still did it & I'm damn proud of myself. Yeah.

Style Tips

2008-07-30T11:43:00.001-07:00

Photo from dottydotcom's deviantArt.

I knew there was something I really wanted to post about!

Maybe this is blatant stealing from Gala, but there are some things I've always had in my mind about making people look good.

♦♥ Wear a smile. It's the best accessory. Whether you're plump, super-skinny, have low cheekbones, bowl-cut hair or an extra toe, smiling will make you look good. And approachable! I always see girls frowning or glaring, and even if you're wearing Miu Miu's new fall/winter line, you'll look terrible! So smile. <3

♦♥ Try a new drink, even if it sounds uttery disgusting (i.e., Strawberry coffee)

♦♥ wear rainboots when it's not raining. I have a new pair of brown plaid & pink lining rainboots, and I cannot wait to find something for them to match with!

♦♥ Watch a risque French art movies, like Murmur of the Heart.

♦♥ Look up something on Wikipedia and then click all the links that interest you in the article till you can't stand it anymore.

♦♥ Put your wet hair in a ponytail & sleep. Then, take the ponytail out and leave it like. Go out.

112.79.2 haunting

2008-07-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post II: Going to the bathroom in the haunted foyer when no one's down there with me.

I'M STILL GETTING SCARED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT OMG. D:

My theatre's haunted, like most theatres. Now you see, I'm terrified of paranormal experiences. I connotate all spirits with the Grudge.

Our staff bathrooms are on the 3.5 floor, next to the dressing rooms. The girl's bathroom is inside the foyer. That's our theatre's hotspot. People hear their name get called all the time (I'm shivering!) and see shadows. Even if I think these could be explained, they still frighten me to no ends.

After I heard about the hauntings, I was loathe to use those restrooms, even IF someone were downstairs in the dressing room doing work.

But yesterday, I finally went down, looked down the long, dark hallway, and stepped in.

(Admittedly, I did run out)

Even if it's a small, ridiculous thing, it did scare me. So that's my story.

earthquake

2008-07-29T14:04:00.001-07:00

There was an earthquake here at about 11, 12 I believe. Although it wasn't strong in my office, I was next to the glass, which still fell near me. This is the first earthquake I've actually had to "survive" while completely awake (I'm usually sleeping).

I...I'm not really so much frightened as I am...Well, I feel like my world's been put back into perspective again. Even though I know I should always do things out of my ordinary, I now realized that that includes things I don't want to--apologize to those I've thought poorly about, repair my relationships, really do all I can in a moment.

Nothing physical is really stable--nothing mental is really ever permanent either. While I know God is reliable in my life, it's still frightening to know that even the ground we stand on...Well, someday, it could just fall out beneath our feet. Theoretically, of course. There isn't something you can look at and say--"That'll be there forever. If I use that to keep me safe, I'll be fine." Even the rocks and the land and the stars all die (entropy lesson?)

I guess it just strengthens the fact you should live freely.

post script VIII

2008-07-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

I know I said "art" when I introduced myself, but I've never shown you any. I've drawn some stuff in my journal, and it's posted now on deviantArt. I'll put my favorites to show you.

The second one is called Stockholm Syndrome.

Yeah. Maybe I should draw on unlined paper.

112.34.1 beautiful

2008-07-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

34. Leave 10 nice/inspirational/hopeful notes for strangers. (1/10)

I did this on the 22nd, but I figured I should blog about it today. I felt so happy and good after I did.

I wanted to leave a note, I always have, for someone to read. I guess it's cause I secretly want a note that's kind and meaningful and inspirational. Maybe someday I will (I hope I will). That's why I always pick up papers with writings.

& I mean it. You are. You have an entire world inside of you. And it's amazing.

112.79.1 stranger in a strange land

2008-07-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

Photo from Ilona Wellmann's gallery.

79. Do one thing every day that scares me, Post I: Talking to a stranger without commenting on THEM, but rather just talking

I talked to a guy on a the metrolink today. I had been talking to a friend about meeting new and random people, but I realized I always had to open on something they had that was unusual (i.e., a roll of canvas, their anime hats), but this guy didn't have any of that. He was just a regular, cute guy (I guessed he was half-Asian).

I was sitting at the station, and I saw him walking around, shaking his head and walking back and forth and I thought it was so adorable. I wondered if I should talk to him. Instead, I stood, trying to look all cool (I always do this when nervous) and got on the train. He got on and sat a few seats away. The entire train ride, I sat, looking at him, and the butterflies in my stomach did their wild dance while my mind raced--"What do I say? What if he looks at me weird? This is Norwalk station, I have all of 20 minutes to talk to him...Should I talk to him when I get off? No, that won't give me a chance to talk-talk to him...What if when I say hi, the guy sitting behind him thinks I'm talking to HIM?" Till I moved closer, steeled myself (took about five minutes), looked at him and said,

"Hi. Ummm...Do you like to fly kites? Sorry if that's random."

(Yeah, I got that from xkcd. What? It's a good opening, he even said so)

The strange thing was, he's from Colorado, and I am too. That was such a coincidence...He goes to UCLA and was here for a wedding. I won't tell you all of what we talked about, but he's an interesting guy. I have lots of incentive to go to UCLA (three closest friends, good theatre program, good school, near theatre related cities) and now, I suppose it's a bad reason, but...Well, I'd really like to meet him again. Chances of that are slim. (dammit, I should've gotten his email or something, but that'd be too forward, right? Plus, I think he thinks I'm older than him since I said I was working...)

The nice thing is, I didn't feel awkward or nervous talking to him. It was natural and he even told me I was a good conversationalist (something new to me, since I'm terrible at talking to people while in groups). It was a refreshing and addicting new experience...Even if I never meet him again, I'll keep this in my heart, since it gave me more confidence.

It really is true, you never know where a friend is in a stranger. I want to meet more people and widen my horizons, I want to see the world they've all come from. I want to learn from my experiences to become a better, more confident and open-minded person. I hope I can do it.

Mmk. I hope you all have the chance to meet someone interesting, sweethearts.

(p.s. the internet is so scary. Just from three things--his (first) name, school and state--I found him on facebook. Also, should I add him? Is that too stalkerish? What if he realizes I'm jail-bait?)

looking for a sign, what you waiting for?

2008-07-27T00:29:00.001-07:00

(Pardon the influx of posts. I told you I had things on my mind and many posts prepared.)

Photo from muratsuyur's deviantArt.

The toughest part of being a pre-college high school student is not knowing what you should do. Not knowing your future. Though I'm sure you all know this.

And while I guess that's true for any age, I don't think it's ever as hit upon as when you're going into college (well, maybe the last year of college is worse, I dunno?), since you have to basically decide how you're gonna work towards some abstract future you might not want in ten years.

But I'm sure we've all gone through that typical teenage angst. So I'll get to my point.

I wish I had a sign. I wish I knew where I was going, and what I'm doing is right. I wish I knew if all that's happening is a sign I'm wrong, or if it's just the hardships that go along with every action and decision. I wish I knew my reasons, I wish others understood them too. I wish my reason wasn't so vague or ideal. I wish I could be confident, and have the support of people in what I'm doing. The future is terrifying, but it's worse on your own, as most things are.

I know I love theatre. I'm so passionate about it. It's the only thing in which I've ever bothered to look anything up on my own. But...just as flames burn down, will this love end? Is it fatal? Do I have the skills, the potential? Or is it just "beginner's talent"? People have always said pretty things to me regarding my dancing, singing, acting skills. But words are just words and are misused anyways.

Maybe I just need to trust in myself, trust in everyone else. People hardly knowing me expect me in theatre, so I must have some kind of affinity for it.

Or maybe I should look for something else first.

(but my heart is sure its love will always be the stage.)