BEATING HITSUZEN (psychoanalysis)

from the bubble project.



Hitsuzen: often roughly translated as "fate," it is kind of reverse-fate. It means that things have to happen for a future incident to occur. Essentially, action 1 happens because action 2 in the future must happen, and to achieve this, action 1 occurs.


I've...I don't know. I am not one to believe in superstitions, but...

A few months ago, a girl "read" my palm. Overall, it was fairly depressing, with something like, "You will lead a long and...unhealthy life. ...You will also not have a lot of great romances in it."

Well, awesome thing for a teenage girl to hear, right? [/sarcasm]

But lately, I have caught myself thinking that a serious relationship, marriage, anything--does not really seem that great.

I began to wonder things--If a person is always changing, doesn't the person's love change? Will two people change in the same way? And if not...does their love change as well, or does it simply grow weaker? What if it were to change completely?

And I've slowly started to..."realize" that people never are able to understand another person (As I Lay Dying readers, HOLLA!). I still believe in the power of words, yes, but...I admit sometimes words (or at least our English language) does not describe well enough feelings. It is not detailed. Besides, do we ever really know or understand someone? To truly know OR understand them, you'd first have to know how that person thinks, including the seemingly random differentiations in personality. To know how a person thinks, you have to know what has affected this person into thinking this way. To do that, you have to understand every single moment in a person's life...And we have our own lives to lead. We can't possibly do that.

In the same vein, two people, even if married, will not lead the same life together anyhow. Do they truly know one another?

Maybe that is a thrill. You learn something about your beloved every day ? I do not know.



BUT, you know what? It's not even that anymore. I think that is me rationalizing myself.

I realized, too, that I can't pick a job because I can't see a job in which I can travel and just live places. I can't see myself settling down (in fact, I fear it). I can't see myself in a place for a long time.

So really, it boils down to the fact that I am just terrified of commitment.

With my "track record of failed romances," I believe it is understandable. [1] Not to mention my seeming incapability of keeping friendships, too.

And there I thought, believed?, that the lines in my hand were of HITSUZEN. Because these thoughts & incidents are happening so that I will end up having no great romance.

But inside, I am a silly little romantic, and I want to fight my hitsuzen.

So I will. I will let myself commit to my feelings and another person, to trust in him or her for friendship or affection,

I have decided I will fall recklessly in love, and listen to my heart says, hopefully unadulterated by things I've heard. I want to live freely and purely.




I will.





[1]
My first intense crush was in 8th grade. He was not kind nor unkind, but his friends still hate me to this day. Unsure why, actually.
Second was a boy I really liked, who then ended up liking my closest friend at that time.
The third was someone I met through someone else. We went on a kind of date, I suppose, and we kept in contact. Then, he decided he "needed to change" and cut me out of his life.
In between there was a guy at kung fu who I KNEW was looking at me and did strange things like get very uncomfortably close to my face. That ended with...humiliation of some kind. And an ended friendship with someone else.
Then there was a gay boy.

Honestly.